WARNING WARNING: This is a little less on the funny side and a little more on the serious self-reflection side.
*Please skip if you were expecting a belly laugh on this one, unless you find self-reflective vulnerability to be a hilarious subject? I mean if you do, boy do I got a doozey for ya ;o)
“Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviours are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting. These acts may seem helpful in the moment, but they ultimately undermine us, especially when we engage in them repeatedly.” (www.psychologytoday.com)
Hi. My name is Asha, and I’m a self-sabotageaholic!
I think we probably ALL get into a bit of self-sabotage from time to time, but lately – as I find myself on the cusp of some great advances in both my personal and professional life, I also find myself sabotaging… myself.
Ummmm, what the crap dude?
I practice the absurd art of self-sabotage and I’m very good at it. Go me! I won’t beat around the bush, I used to self-harm. I can say proudly that this is a thing of the now-distant past. I also struggle from time to time in the ‘self-medicating department’ with alcohol. But procrastination is my greatest foe right now. I go in search of things to take up my time – to distract me from forging ahead – and I seem to amass an impressive array of things to worry over. I ruminate about absurd things, things over which I have no control. I focus so much on the multiple hypotheses (in my mind) that I turn myself into an anxious, obnoxious mess, which only serves to alienate me. It’s a particularly unattractive trait.
In trying to identify some of the reasons behind this spate of self-sabotage hijackings, I’ve done a little research and followed it up with a fair bit of self-reflection. My main issues surround the following:
Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and – it sounds stupid – fear of success. I guess for me it’s a tricky one. I want to write. I CAN write, yet I fear that at the end of the day I will suck, and that I’ll be found out to be the great big phony that I am. The prospect of that reality is utterly terrifying for me.
They say that without a challenge we can’t grow, or move forward. Challenge is hard, challenge is at times scary and challenge is most of all – challenging! It’s the sort of thing that comes with a little or a lot of discomfort. Sometimes it’s even accompanied with pain – and pain is never comfortable! We’ve all heard the old saying “No pain, No gain” and while this is often associated with feats of a physical nature, it is also true for psychological weight-lifting.
This is the big one, shame opens the door for self-sabotage and rolls out the red carpet.
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we’re capable of change” – (the brilliant) Brene Brown.
Shame is a horrible thing to live with. It’s a big old tattered trunk that we drag around behind us, constantly nipping our heels. It’s ugly, it’s cumbersome and it’s absolutely pointless. It’s what has us truly believing that we are not worthy. It’s deeply rooted in our belief system and is a son-of-a-bitch to kick to the curb. Brene explains that the best combat to shame is empathy and essentially allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Most of us carry shame due to events of the past – I know I do. These events often solidify the shame and prove our lack of worth.
So how do we move forward? How do we quit this self-sabotaging behavior that is standing in the way of growth, of success and at the end-of-the-day happiness?
Well this, my friend is part of the reason for me writing this particular blog today. I need to be vulnerable, I need to shine a light on my shame and give it no-where to hide and fester (as it does). Nothing good comes from keeping it hidden and not speaking of it. I don’t mean to unpack all this onto a poor unsuspecting bunch (like any of you radical folk reading this), but I need for this truth to be out in the stratosphere. If nothing else I’m using this medium to expose my weakness in the hopes that it might become my strength!
I’m a constant work-in-progress, one day I hope to shake the shitty habit of self-sabotage. So here’s to vulnerability eh? Let’s not keep our shame behind closed doors! Let’s let it out! Let’s let it go down to the park, and exorcise itself into oblivion.
At the risk of being all cheesy-cheese-a-roo.
Meditate on this lil gem xxx